25 Things.

1) I live in Bradenton, FL with my boyfriend, my dog, and two cats. In other words, I have 4 pets.

2) I have been dating my boyfriend Adam for 2.5 years. This is longer than I’ve ever dated anyone and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

3) My real boyfriend is a 4 year old Jack Russell mix named Oreo. He could be the most ridiculous, excited dog ever.

4) I have 7 cousins: Samantha, 28; Dave, 26; Barton, 24; Katie, 17; Lindsay, 16; Lauren, 14; and Joey, 13. I have not seen Samantha in 10 years and I have not seen Barton in almost 20 years.

5) Until this past weekend, 2 of my younger cousins did not know that Samantha and Barton are their siblings.

6) I have an irrational fear of dropping important possessions like my ring or my cell phone down drains.

7) After teaching “at risk” children for the last year, I don’t believe I will ever desire to work with “regular” kids again.

8) I really wish Jamiroquai would hurry up and come to the US already.

9) I still have an Ohio license plate even though I’ve lived in Florida since March 20, 2007.

10) I was a total asshole in college and I hope that some of the people I went to school with will still be my friend.

11) I absolutely detest Christmas for a wide variety of reasons with a passion that burns deeply within my soul.

12) I have a Cartman watch engraved with my name. I’ve had it for 7 years and I rarely take it off. I’m on my 3rd watchband. If I were a South Park character, I think I would be a cross between Kyle, Wendy, and Tweek.

13) I just auditioned to sing the national anthem at McKechnie Field for a Pittsburgh Pirates spring training game. I should find out soon if I made it.

14) My dream is to open my own school in Akron and I have the whole concept and building layout completely mapped out in my head already.

15) I really wish my mother would have more self esteem. She really has no idea what a bad ass she is.

16) I am extremely particular about how I arrange items; especially in my closet, in my shopping cart, and in my freezer. If things are not arranged the way I prefer, I feel extremely tense.

17) My best friend is a (somehow single?) witty blond 5th grade teacher of 100% dutch heritage who has 5 dogs.

18) I am a recovering alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 27, 2008.

19) I have loved the Cleveland Cavaliers since January 1988 when I went to my first game at the Richfield Colosseum. My favorite Cavs are Mark Price, Zydrunas Illgauskas, and, of course, LeBron James.

20) I like Snyder of Berlin’s Hard Sourdough Pretzels so much, I am currently pondering having them delivered on auto-ship in bulk from Amazon.com.

21) I absolutely love classical music and rap. My favorite rapper is Nas because he a skilled poet who writes personal and meaningful lyrics in addition to having good diction and catchy, distinctive delivery. I really want to meet him. My favorite composer is Ludwig van Beethoven because he was fucking crazy and then he went deaf and kept writing this ridiculous powerful syncopated music. It is a shame I cannot meet him in this life.

22) The Boston/Rhode Island accent is the most hilariously endearing thing I’ve ever heard…possibly because it’s SO fun to imitate.

23) I am perhaps unhealthily obsessed with the color green and I have been for almost 10 years.

24) I have a pretty severe case of ADHD that was misdiagnosed until I was 24. It has taken me over 3 hours to compile this list because I can’t sit still long enough to type it.

25) The happiest moments of 2009 for me so far have been opening the locket my sister Helen sent me in the mail and reading number 25 on Helen’s list because for some reason I just now realized that she loves me too.

Rie-peat

I’ve been thinking a lot about music lately. So I decided to post this, in all it’s odd, random glory…

The 23 most played songs on my iPod since between April 15 and today.

23) Little L – Jamiroquai
22) Once Again – Cypress Hill
21) As – Stevie Wonder
20) Da Rockwilder – Method Man & Redman
19) Get Em High – Kanye West ft. Talib Kweli & Common
18) Paul Revere – Beastie Boys
17) Good Day – Nappy Roots
16) The Watcher – Dr. Dre
15) You Give Me Something – Jamiroquai
14) Still Here – Girl Talk
13) Single Ladies – Beyonce
12) The World Is Yours – Nas
11) Get Loose – Lil Mama ft. Chris Brown & T-Pain
10) How Do You Want It – Tupac
9) Runaway – Jamiroquai
8) Forgot About Dre – Dr. Dre & Eminem
7) A Milli – Lil Wayne
6) N.Y. State of Mind – Nas
5) Blue Magic – Jay-Z
4) Fuego – Kumbia Kings
3) Black Republicans – Nas ft. Jay-Z
2) Got Yourself A Gun – Nas
1) Ella Me Levanto – Daddy Yankee

Please respond with your list… I am very curious to see other peoples’ lists!

Star Wars

“It looks like the straight talk express lost a wheel on that one…”

- Barack Obama during his debate with John McCain on Tuesday, October 7, 2008

 

Oh, politics… how they make simultaneously confuse, frustrate, and yet give false hope.  The debate was pretty funny.  It never ceases to amaze me how the candidates manage to completely elude the question, hence defeating the entire purpose of the “town hall” setting of the meeting.

I would like to think that Barack Obama will win the election, however, even if he does, I often feel our country is so far in trouble, it’s going to take years to regain ourselves.  Our education and healthcare systems are deplorable and yet all of our money is going over to fight a war that is a huge mistake.

I feel very fortunate to have the job I have.  I love what I am doing and while I am in mass amounts of debt, I make enough to scrape by.

Honestly, the only real problem with my life is that I feel so disconnected.  I feel like I am an alien from a far off galaxy visiting earth.  It’s so damn trite I know but I feel so lonely and misunderstood.  I don’t have many friends and I feel like most people see me as really weird and/or annoying.  The problem is I don’t think that I am and I don’t want to change for anybody but this causes me to be alienated and makes me miserable.

I guess what gets me through each day is the love of my job and knowing that I’m helping kids make progress…but still I am lonely.  I may not be alone, but I feel more lonely than I’ve ever felt.  As a child I didn’t understand how someone could feel lonely in a room of people.  Now that I am 25, I often feel lonely in a crowded mall or driving down the road in traffic.  I lack real human interaction.  Something meaningful.  Something more than “Hi.”  I need love in the worst way but in our society looking for love is only something “losers” do.

I wish more than anything that I had someone to spend my life with.  Someone who would want to discuss/playfully debate/argue music and movies with me.  Someone who would dance with me and not care if he or she is a shitty dancer.  Someone who loves animals as much as I do.  Someone who has a weird distinctive personality.  Someone who has passion about his or her career.  Someone who likes the outdoors and/or swimming.  Someone who doesn’t have a desire to do drugs or alcohol regardless of his or her past.  Someone who finds me interesting and sexy.  This person would be my ideal.  Perhaps I set my standards too high, because it seems that this person does not exist.

Until the day comes when this person lands in my life, should that day ever come, I suppose I will continue to live through the times when Gene Kelly or Rita Hayworth have a romantic moment on my TV screen.

The World Is Yours

As you may have noticed from my entry titles, I am still obsessed with Nas. 

Yesterday was an interesting experience for me.  Yesterday was an extremely chaotic day at our facility and I am honestly very grateful that I did not have to go to grad school last night or I likely would have crashed the car from exhaustion on the way there.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that literally every 6 to 8 minutes ALL DAY yesterday there was a call over the radio for staff assistance in one classroom or another. 

The kids had one hell of a day.

Last night I stayed after to make sure I was getting all my grading done.  I had a question about one students handwriting so I hesitantly walked back to the unit to ask him.  I didn’t hear any major conflict so I proceeded through the locked doors.

I walked in to find the 2nd shift staff leading a discussion about how they can behave better in school.  In 1 day, one of the male units of 16 students had racked up 35 consequence forms.  That is… pretty major. 

Anyway, I walked in and asked my question.  Just as I turned to leave, the nurse said “Hey, Miss Marie, you should be here for this, we are brainstorming on why we misbehave in school so much, you should speak.” 

I was very flattered and at first I didn’t know what to say.  I don’t know where my speech came from, but looking back on it, I don’t know how I did it.

“Raise your hand if you have never been to the principal’s office.” I challenged them.  Not a single one of them raised his hand.  “Notice how I, too, did not raise my hand.”  Some of them looked puzzled.  Perhaps they see me as someone far away from their reality and so old that I can’t remember my own childhood.  “I went to the principal’s office, too.  While I was in there I realized that that wasn’t the place I needed to be if I wanted to get ahead.”  You could have heard a pin drop.  “All the staff is here to help you.  I work here because I want to help you.  That is my job.  All I am asking you to do is accept my help.  Come to class and do your work.  You know the difference between right and wrong…”

A lot of their attitudes changed today as they came into class as loudly as they normally do.  But this time when their eyes met my firm glance, “I’m sorry, Miss,” some said.  Not all was perfectly fixed, nor was I naive enough to assume it would be, but there was certainly a change in some of the young men.

Ironically, one of the young men from the other male unit had to be arrested today.  During his meeting, the group of employees in charge of his case told the young man that he would be staying at our facility longer because he needs more time to progress to the point where it would be safe to discharge him.  At this point, the young man destroyed a chair, broke the magnetic locking door, and punched a window, breaking it.  Because he had been making threats that he would do this, and this was not his first time destroying our property, the administration decided to have him arrested.

I really hope that this is a turning point for this young man, but deep in my heart I feel he may not turn around.  This scares me.  I see the good person in him.  I see the academic curiosity, I see the inquisitive nature.  It may often hide, but it is there.  All that’s left to do is hope that he decides to make better choices from now on and know that each day all anyone can do, myself included, is try as hard as possible.  Do not give up. Ever.

State of Mind

My head is spinning.  For sure.

Here I come, there I go.

I feel like I am always on the go.

At least I really enjoy my job.  I absolutely adore my job.  I teach reading at an inpatient psychiatric facility to children that have some pretty serious mental problems.  Some of my students have bipolar disorder, some of them have schizophrenia, many are victims of physical and sexual abuse, most do not know their birth parents.  Some, even, are sex abusers themselves. 

When I stop to think about what I have read in their files, it makes me cry.  It’s so odd though, I read a file, then the kid walks into my class.  “*That* kid?” I think.  In all the numbers and calculations and diagnoses and paperwork and admitting and discharging and transport and drama people seem to forget… they are children.

Memory Lane

Today, like other days this week, was mostly a complete blur.  My head feels like the size of at watermelon and I feel like I am in slow motion.

I rearranged my classroom today, or rather what small amount of furniture I have, listening to Nas (big shocker.)  I really like Illmatic and Stillmatic a whole lot.  I still lack desks, chairs, a computer, a telephone, a whiteboard, a TV, a DVD player, and a camera.  All classes have to be recorded on video for security due to the nature of our program.  They have until Monday to get a camera put in…

In response to my friend Wes’ comment on my last entry, I think you’re right.  Nas’ new stuff isn’t good, it’s amazing.  I mean seriously.  What new *mainstream* rapper is saying anything intelligent, meaningful, or significant these days?  Shit, what mainstream rapper is saying anything other than a slight variation of “I want to fuck this bitch” or “I have a cubic fuckton of money, mang.”  If you know of anyone, I’d love to hear them. Seriously.

I could not agree more with the point Nas makes in the song “Hip Hop is Dead.”  As far as I am concerned, Nas helped reinvent the original point of hip-hop: a cathartic, raw, rhythmic way to express real feelings; not the new “snapping” of synthesized, meaningless, passionless shlack.  Like anyone still listens to Dem Franchise Boys.  Like anyone will give a crap about Soulja Boy in 2 years.  Rappers like the members of NWA, Tupac Shakur, Nas, Jay-Z, Eminem, Outkast, and Kanye West are *REAL* rappers and that is why they have and will continue to endure as rap icons.  They create funky rhythmic beats and lyrics WORTH buying and hearing over and over.  These men have creative talent and usually something to say aside from “She got a donk” or “Imma superman dat hoe.” 
This of course is not to say that none of the aforementioned rappers have never had a song or a lyric dedicated to the more materialist things, but that they have illustrated in many other songs that they have skills past repetative synthesized drudgery.  As Kanye says in “Breathe In, Breathe Out,” a song he made with Ludacris, “I always said if I rapped, I’d say something significant, but now I’m rappin’ about money, hoes, and rims again.”

The point, however, still remains that the best, most meaningful rap that has become “classic” are by and large passionate songs that tell of a personal struggle. Songs like Tupac’s “Changes,” Jay-Z’s “December 4th,” Outkast’s “West Savannah,” Kanye West’s “Home,” Eminem’s “Cleanin’ Out My Closet,” and so forth are all very personal songs that have more to say than “crank that robocop.”

I am curious to hear other opinions on this matter.

Why *does* J call himself Hova?

Got Yourself A Job

Thoughts from today…

1) I am still obsessed with Nas.  I love Nas.  He’s just about all I can listen to.

2) I really like my job.  My first day was interesting and… pleasurably overwhelming.

3) What do you do when you really love so much about someone and you know that that person would be there in an emergency but you just don’t feel you are getting appreciated the way you should?

4) I love animals!  Oreo is the strangest little dog.  He really does look like a baby deer, a cat, and a dog all at the same time.  I know that sounds hideous, but he’s really cute, I swear.

5) The medical system in this country is so beyond messed up I could not even begin to describe it in this entire blog let alone one sentence.

6) Trying your best is just necessary.  All the time.

So… If you were making classroom rules for at-risk students, which would you choose?

Made You Look

They say I’m all about murder
murder and kill kill
But what about Grindhouse and Kill Bill?
What about Cheney and Halliburton?
The back door deals on oil fields?
How is Nas the most violent person?

- Nasir “Nas” Jones

Nasir "Nas" Jones, rapper, activist, bad ass

I really enjoy listening passionate people talk, which could perhaps explain why I have recently had an increased interest in Nas. I admire his conviction and the meaningful content of his lyrics, his recent work especially. His powerful, passionate rhymes really speak to me. I think a lot of people have a hard time hearing what he has to say because he talks about the violence and poverty that has become too common in American neighborhoods.

On July 24, he was on the Colbert Report where he talked about his ongoing feud with notorious conservative Fox News host Bill O’Reilly. Nas asserts that TV personalities on Fox, especially Bill O’Reilly, are racist and that racist comments and the promotion of stereotypes has to stop. Nas collected over 600,000 signatures on a petition to urge Fox to change.

Check out this video